The Epic Of Joegamesh: Book I

Greetings internetgoers, It indeed has been many moons since I have posted anything on here. I don't have a new song translation for you guys, but I do have something you might find interesting. My cousin, Mark Dittmer, and I have a long tradition of telling pass-on stories. The latest one we have been wroking on is a work VERY loosely based on the Epic of Gilgamesh (I started the story this time and so I was able to choose the topic-hence its nerdy nature). Like most of our pass-on stories, however, the main characters are basically Mark(Markidu) and I(Joegamesh), and we perform all sorts of superhuman exploits. Or in other words like Sumerian praise poetry(check some out on the electronic text corpus of Sumerian literature: http://www-etcsl.orient.ox.ac.uk/ ) this story is basically like a self administerd ego-massage, but we try to do in a comical way, so hopefully some of that will shine through. I plan on posting each story segment or "Book" in its own little post. I will start with the first book written by me(I apologize for any and all grammatical and punctuation errors, I am sure there are many, but I'm too lazy to fix them):

Book I: The Coming of Markidu

In the City of Dittmeruk there lived a mighty king by the name of
Joegamesh. None could match him in battle and ferocity and his
breathtaking countenance was surely that of a god. In fact from his divine grandfather the god Alma August(this is kind of a pagan work-do you think making Grandpa a god is appropriate or no?) he was part divine. However, Joegamesh was a tyrant, he made a law in Dittmeruk that all chicks must make out with him(I cleaned up this story from the actual Epic of Gilgamesh-meaning that instead of sex I'm going with the more family friendly making out) whenever he desired or go to jail. The men also he made go to war for him to get him more money for him to put in his money bin, which Joegamesh liked to burrow through like a gopher and throw bits of gold and silver up(this was before coins) and let them fall on his head. The people were getting rather annoyed at all this, even the chicks were getting annoyed at making out with Joegamesh whenever he wanted, despite the fact that Joey was the studliest hunk that ever lived. They cried to the gods for relief. Mighty An(a big Mesopotamian deity) heard there cries and decided to make someone as big and bad as Joey to show Joey what was up. An pinched off clay and made a big bad dude with long hair like the god of cattle, then breathed in him the breath of life, and named him Markidu. Markidu was a wild man and lived in the woods with the animals. He could run as fast as the gazelles, and enjoyed playing and singing with the animals all the live long day. He lived off of wild grass and water from cool mountain streams. He would rescue animals caught in traps and keep hunters from catching their prey. When hunters saw him they were terrified of this fearsome looking wildman of the woods. Then one day one clever hunter named Bob(okay really his name was Marduk-apla-iddina, but the translator took some liberties with it)thought up a clever scheme. The hunter Bob thought, hmm what is it that all guys want, even long haired wild men of the woods, then he thought of it, Chicks!! Chicks was the answer. Bob just happened to know the lovely Miss Dittmeruk, the winner of the Miss Dittmeruk pageant, and she just happened to owe him for giving her the pageant entry fee of 1 mina of silver. So he was like, "there is this crazy guy in the forest that is ruining my hunting business, you need to make out with him so long and hard that his senses will be clouded and he won't even remember who he is. Then I will be able to actually catch something." So Miss Dittmeruk, whose actual name was Tabtum Suhartum(which means fine young lady in Akkadian). Got her sexiest outfit on,(and I tell you what that girl was tabtum[fine]!!!), and went to the wilderness where Markidu was last seen. Markidu saw her from afar and immediately his heart was conquered. He coyly crept in closer to get a better look. Then Tabtum pounced on him like a lion pounces on a wildebeast. Quickly administering a 30 second frencher on him. Markidu did not know what to make of this new experience at first, but about ten seconds into the kiss he decided he liked it. The world seemed to spin around him, he felt dizzy and nauseous, but yet he was enjoying himself. Afterwards he was weak in the knees and was somehow different. He could no longer keep up with the gazelles and the animals now all ran from him. So he decided to accompany Tabtum to Dittmeruk to enjoy the ancient Mesopotamian nightlife. Later, while Markidu and Tabtum boogied at the local disco, who should walk in but Joegamesh himself. He strutted in like a proud lion, king of all he surveyed. He glanced at Tabtum and imediately his heart was conquered. Joegamesh ordered her "hey you, lips here, now!!" as he used a finger to point to his own lips. Markidu would have none of that and immediately smacked Joegamesh with all his might. Joegamesh flew across the disco through the roof and landed half a block down the street. Joegamesh slowly righted himself shook and dusted himself off. Then he ripped out a 40 ft palm tree, and ran with his might back into the disco. Upon entering he quipped "batter up!", before swinging the palm tree right into Markidu. Now it was Markidu's turn to fly threw the roof. Joegamesh knocked Markidu so high that Markidu could see some weird guy riding an eagle(there is a Mesopotamian story with an eagle-riding guy), and the people all became smaller and smaller until they disappeared. Then he quickly fell and as as the wind roared passed his ears the people became larger and larger until he landed with a loud boom, creating a ten foot crater. He was 2 miles from the disco. After about five minutes he recovered and shook himself off only to see Joegamesh coming at him again at full speed. He met Joegamesh's speed and as they reached each other they both hit one another and knocked each other twenty feet back as they collided. The two were little phased by the run in and were soon at it again. Night and Day they fought for a whole week. After a week the two were exhausted, and began wondering why they were fighting in the first place. They couldn't help but admire the other for it was obvious to both of them that they were equal in strength and fighting skill. Markidu then spoke up," Hey fightining each other is getting us no where, let's make up and be friends", Joegamesh heartily agreed, and from that time forth they were the best of friends. They soon grew sick of life in Dittmeruk, however, and it wasn't long before they decided to take off and seek adventure elsewhere. They heard of a terrifying chipmunk named Dale-baba that had been menacing the city's inhabitants, eating people whole, and then stealing their nuts and eating them whole. It was said that after he came to eat people that he retreated to the cedar forests to the north. It was time for Joegamesh and Markidu to take action. The two armed themselves and took off. The people of Dittmeruk rejoiced, finally Joegamesh had something to do besides annoy them all the time.
End of Book I