The Epic Of Joegamesh: Book V

Book V: Inanna and the Bull of Heaven


After Joegamesh had administered the kiss of life to his friend Markidu. He and Markidu needed to spend some time with the ladies to get back in touch with the manly studs they truly were inside. Besides they both felt it was time for a little vacation from adventuring. So they went to the nearest town-Dittmari, and like a pair of lions stalking a sickly wildebeast they were on the hunt for some ladies to spend an enjoyable evening with. Being the studly dreamboats they were it didn't take them long before they both had themselves a woman and were enjoying themselves at one of the women's houses in an ancient Sumerian hot-tub. The ladies were quick to admire the radiant manly glory of the two. As Joegamesh and Markidu sported their swimming kaunakes(sheep skin skirts), their perfectly chiseled muscles rippled, and their skin gleamed like polished bronze. Unfortunately, the mortal ladies weren't the only ones who noticed. The goddess of love and war herself, Inanna, also noticed and she liked what she saw. She liked it a lot. She was especially drawn to Joegamesh for Markidu had a little more hair than she cared for in a beau. She just had to have him, so she came down from the lofty heavens to speak with Joegamesh. Her blazing glory and beauty frightened the ladies that Joegamesh and Markidu had picked up and they ran as they saw her descend. She spoke to Joegamesh, "Joegamesh, these mortal chicks are no equal for your glorious hunkiness. Only a goddess as radiant as myself can be your equal. Lucky for you I just might be looking for someone" and with the last comment she gave Joegamesh a deliberate wink. Joegamesh had to pause for a second, he was flattered by the idea, I mean Inanna was a goddess, and not just any goddess, the powerful goddess of love and war, in addition to that she was the hottest female Joegamesh had ever seen her feminine form was perfect and she seemed to beam with radiant glory and hotness. Nevertheless, with all the stories he learned of Inanna he remembered how she always used her lovers and then threw them away like a bag of moldy dates. Joegamesh replied to the glorious goddess, "So, you want me to be your lover, eh?" The goddess replied with a nod. Joegamesh continued, "You are hot, but I know of your treacherous nature, remember your first lover, the hunter, whom you turned into a deer only so he could be devoured by his own hunting dogs. Then there was the salt manufacturer who you grew tired of, you turned him into a slug!! What I'm trying to say is, no I will not be your lover, Inanna!!" At Joegamesh's words Inanna grew desperate, "but, Joegamesh, look at how hot I am".Joegamesh extended a hand and countered sassily, "talk to the hand, cause the ears don't understand!!". Inanna growing angry, made a final desperate atempt, "Joegamesh I must have you, take me now, I demand it!!", to which Joegamesh boldly replied with a taunting slap on his buttocks, "You can't have the Joegamesh!!". Inanna was now furious, "You, will regret spurning me Joegamesh, you and all of Dittmeruk!!!", "Whatever, toots!!" Joegamesh retorted, and with that final word spoken Inanna returned to heaven. Inanna returned to the heavens with a huff and went to her father, the sky god An. An if you don't let me borrow the bull of heaven to smite Dittmeruk I'm going to let all the dead people out of the underworld(Inanna having control to the gates of the underworld). An gave in to her request, knowing that it was impossible to reason with her when she was angry and agreed to let her use the bull of heaven. Lucky For Joegamesh however, the glorious sun god Shamash, who was a friend to Joegamesh and Markidu, overheard the discussion of Inanna and sent a warning to Markidu that night in a dream. That night after a day of fun and games with Joegamesh, Markidu dreamed of fire and destruction in Dittmeruk and a 20ft tall bull with fearsome blazing eyes, breathing fire upon the terrified inhabitants of the city. He woke with a start, and shook his friend, "Joegamesh we must return to Dittmeruk immediately!!", Joegamesh replied groggily, "Is it noon already? Markidu, what are you talking about, the Miss Dittmeruk competition is not for another 4 months?". Markidu explained, "Joegamesh, since you dissed Inanna she has sent the horrible fire breathing bull of heaven to destroy Dittmeruk, Shamash showed it all to me in a dream!!" Joegamesh, not being one to doubt his friend quickly packed his things and were off to save their city. They returned as quickly as possible, riding the swiftest donkeys money can buy. Upon reaching the city Markidu saw the vision from his nightmare. Houses and markets were burning, as a horrible bull with blazing eyes stomped throughout the city. The heroic pair watched in horror as twenty valiant young men tried to attack the beast only to fall vistim to its fire breath. Another group tried to ambush the creature in a dark alley, to no avail. All were roasted. Could nothing stop this horrible beast, Joegamesh and Markidu wondered.

The Epic Of Joegamesh: Book IV

The latest installment of the Adventures of Joegamesh and Markidu. This part was written by Mark and constitutes the latest part of the stroy written so far. Don't worry though I'll write Mark back sometime soon.

The Epic of Joegamesh
Book IV
Sleeping Beauty



After having opened up a can of whoopass on two identically-hideous chipmunks, this just after having had long make-out sessions with every woman in Dittmeruk, Joegamesh was pooped. Seeing that the hut in which the fight had taken place was furnished with a comfortable futon, Joegamesh stretched out and began sleeping peacefully. It was 5 p.m.
Nineteen hours later, Joegamesh woke up feeling himself again. His enthusiasm for a new set of adventures was renewed, and his first thought was--Oh gosh, Markidu's going to be pissed at me for sleeping in! He wouldn't leave without me, would he? And so Joegamesh stood up and went into the kitchen ... where he saw Markidu lying there on the floor, in the same spot he'd been sleeping the previous night. Joegamesh became agitated.
"Markidu, wake up!" he said, shaking his friend by the shoulders. Markidu was breathing, clearly alive, but showed no signs of consciousness. Joegamesh, totally freaked out, tried prying Markidu's eyelids open, but only saw the whites of his eyes. Markidu, still sleeping, lightly tried to bat away Joegamesh's hand.
"I don't want the birdie," he said, "It poops on everything. I hate poop. I hate the poopie birdie."
After an emotional fit during which Joegamesh cried a bucket of anxious tears, Joegamesh went back into town for lunch. For the next few weeks, he brought food home to the entranced Markidu, who managed to eat in his sleep, albeit messily. Joegamesh would also pour water down Markidu's throat, although the latter managed to spit out half of what was given him. "Look, mom, I'm swimming!" he would say on these occasions.
After an entire month, Joegamesh had to decide what to do. The townspeople were starting to look to him as the king again, and while that was kind of nice, it had been his plan to go adventuring with Markidu, and he didn't want to give that up. So on March 12, 2432 b.c. (or something--please correct this date to make it fit better into any time period you'd like it to fit into), Joegamesh hoisted his packed duffel bag over one shoulder and his sleeping giant-friend over his other shoulder, and hit the road.
Hed been travelling for over a week when he caught up to an old beggar who was walking along the same road. He said hello politely and meant to continue on, but the man seemed intent on conversation. It turned out the man's name was Confucious-amesh, and it turned out he had a lot of advice for Joegamesh.
"Make new friends, and keep the old," the beggar said as he scratched himself. "One is silver and the other gold."
"Okay," Joegamesh said, and the phrase sounded familiar. Perhaps the old beggar wasn't as crazy as he looked. He decided to try to get some answers. "Confucious-amesh: I have to ask you: What is the source of all wisdom?"
"Ahh, you are clearly a seeker, on the path to enlightement," Confucious-amesh said. "The source of all wisdom is www.joeydittmer.com."
"Huh?," Joegamesh said. "What's that?"
"It's a web site on the internet."
This of course only made Joegamesh more confused.
"It doesn't exist yet, but in the future it will change the whole world."
Joegamesh decided to take the old guy's word for it; he didn't know what a joeydittmer.com was, but he liked the sound of it. He then tried to get Confucious-amesh's help with his more immediate troubles.
"Confucious-amesh, my friend here Markidu is under some sort of spell. He's been asleep for two months now." Joegamesh then explained about the evil squirrels (are there any other kind?). "What should I do?" he asked.
"Ah, yes, this is very clear to me," Confucious-amesh siad. "Dale-baba has fixed Markidu with the Sleeping Beauty curse. He will sleep for eternity unless he receives a kiss on the lips from a young prince."
"A kiss from a young prince!" Joegamesh exclaimed. "But there's no young princes around here! I'll be dragging him around forever!"
"Ahh yes, most difficult," Confucious-amesh said. Soon after that, the two men parted ways. Of course, there was one young prince in the fertile valley through which Joegamesh walked--Joegamesh himself. But kissing Markidu on the lips?!--that was out of the question! Nothing could be more disgusting! Just thinking about it made Joegamesh angry, the thought that such circumstances could be forced upon him, that he would ever have to--
And then, abruptly, in a sneak attack to get it over with quickly as possible, Joegamesh swung Markidu off of his shoulder and grabbed him by the ears and ... with eyes pressed tight together, he leaned in, puckered up, and ....
Markidu had been dreaming about watching a baseball game. The sun was shining, his Oakland A's were winning, everything was just perfect, when all of a sudden he woke to the harsh reality of a man's lips smooching his own.
"BLECHH!" Markidu yelled, clubbing Joegamesh in the jaw. For the first time in two months, Markidu was awake.
"Aww, isn't that sweet," said a rider on horseback who passed the duo at just that moment. "I love spirng, the time of year when men's fancy turns to love." Joegamesh wanted to killl the guy, but he was too busy defending himself from Markidu, who was acting as if he would have rather slept a while longer.
He stayed mad for a few days, but after a while, Markidu was glad to be far from home, while Joegamesh was glad not to have to carry Markidu anymore.

The Epic Of Joegamesh: Book III

Here is more of the story of Joegamesh and Markidu. I wrote this part.

The Epic of Joegamesh
Book III
Markidu's Dream and Joegamesh kickin' more trash

Markidu found himself in a beautiful field of wildflowers on the banks of the Euphrates. How he got there he knew not, but in the distance he could see his sweetheart Miss Dittmeruk, looking as radiant as ever. Tabtum and Markidu's eyes met and they both knew they belonged together. Their hearts leapt with joy as they carelessly skipped through the field of wildflowers, and met each other with a passionate embrace. Meanwhile Joegamesh had heard of Dalebaba coming to the city, and devouring people, he knew it was his job to kick the giant Chipmunk's tail back to the cedar forests from which it sprang. Slowly he crept to the house where Dalebaba was last seen. What he saw would terrify the most stalwart of hearts!! He saw not one, but two giant chipmunks They had a huge bronze pot of boiling water and one said to the other "I think the water is ready, let's throw him in. Scanning about Joegamesh saw the unconscious body of Markidu nearby!! He knew it was time to make his move. Stepping into the doorway Joegamesh said in a challenging tone "Could I have a piece of that". The chipmunks turned to glare at Joegamesh, one of them speaking "Joegamesh!!Even you aren't powerful enough to stop me!!", "You must be the infamous, Dalebaba and who, may I ask, is your little friend?" Joey replied. "This is Chipbaba, my twin brother, each of us are powerful on our own, but together we are unstoppable!!" the hideous rodent exclaimed. "We'll see about that", Joey retorted. Then the fight was on, even like unto Donkey Kong. The Chipmunks both lunged at Joegamesh, but he dodged the attack with an impressive double back flip. Dalebaba laughed diabolically, "Well done Joegamesh, but you will have to do much better than that". Then ChipBaba and DaleBaba both pulled out long bronze swords that each looked as big as Joegamesh himself. They swung at Joegamesh, he doodged with razorlike precision. Then as they swung to get at his legs he jumped up and kicked them both in the face. The two wicked rodents were knocked through walls at opposite sides of the house. Joegamesh approached Dalebaba, "It's over, get out of town!!", "Yeah it's over Dalebaba agreed, for your friend". Joegamesh turned around just as Chipbaba hurled Markidu toward the vat of boiling water. He jumped and caught Markidu in midair just inches from a hot watery grave. The pair collapsed on the floor. Joegamesh brushed himself off but noticed Markidu still unconscious. It was unlike his friend to be so hard to rouse. Perhaps they had drugged him or something, Joegamesh thought. Why would they do such a thing? He was about to force some answers from the chipmunks, but when he looked around they had vanished. All was quiet except the crackling of the fire and the bubbling water, and some incoherent mumblings from Markidu, something about a "jacuzzi"-whatever that was, and "Miss Dittmeruk". Joegamesh loved Markidu as his own soul, but sometimes thought the guy was a bit odd.

The Epic Of Joegamesh: Book II

Here Continues the Epic story of Joegamesh and Markidu. This part was written by Mark.
I should mention here that Mark and I began a pass-on story once about rabid squirrels that destroy our entire extended family. It was VERY loosely based on the true story of our family reunion at Yosemite. I only mention this because it is what Mark is referring to when Markidu and the sinister Chipmunk DaleBaba have a weird moment of Deja vu(though yes Dalebaba is a Chipmunk not a squirrel). Anyway here is the story:

The Epic of Joegamesh
Book II

--So on a hot sunny afternoon, Markidu waited on the outskirts of town for Joegamesh, who had explained earlier that he'd be ready to go after just one more make-out session. After having waited for an hour, Markidu shook his enormous head and walked reluctantly back into town where he was sure that the city's entire female population was congregated around his always-horny friend. As Markidu walked through the mostly deserted streets, with perhaps thoughts of his own lost love, Miss Dittmeruk, on his mind; his reverie was interrupted by a loud shrill screaming. Suddenly a grown man burst out of a nearby hut, which was a surprise to Markidu, since the screams sounded just like those of a woman. Annoyed at having been interrupted, Markidu strode up to the man, grabbed him by the shoulders, shook him, and slapped him. "Man, what's gotten into you!" Markidu persisted in slapping the man until he came to his senses, perhaps slapping him one time extra just for pleasure. Then the man said, "There's a chipmunk the size of you in my house, rummaging around." "Was anybody else in there?" "Not anymore," the man said, and was about to begin screaming again when Markidu slugged him, giving the poor man a chance to catch up on his sleep. Of course, Markidu had heard about Dalebaba, and had hoped to avoid him--or at least, to have Joegadesh with him during any encounter they might have. But now, he decided that it was fate that brought them together at this moment. He strode through the hut's open doorway and looked inside. The rodent was at the kitchen table; he was eating cashews out of a bowl. "Are you still hungry?" Markidu said in a challenging voice. "I'm not sure yet," said the chipmunk, his beedy eyes looking seemingly in all directions at once. "Why don't you have a seat, chat for a while." His head twitched; clearly he was rabid, but then, all chipmunks are. "How can you live with yourself when you know that disease has destroyed you?" Markidu asked. "All you do is spread disease to everyone you bite--you're a menace." "Ahh, but that's why I eat everything I bite now; no sense wasting," Dalebaba said. "Really it's a mercy; no sense infecting anyone else and letting them run around rabid; better to gobble them up whole." "Okay, I guess," Markidu conceded, as that really did seem sensible. "But then why eat everybody in a single bite. I mean, haven't you ever heard of eating a little bit at a time? A leg, a drumstick? Put the rest in a doggy-bag for later?" "That's an interesting point," the giant chipmunk conceded. "I eat nuts so slowly," and he popped one into his mouth as he said this, "But human beings. They just go down like ... more nuts." "Let me have some of those," Markidu said, salivating and Dalebaba graciously poured a handful into his hand. The chipmunk seemed friendly to Markidu, but something was bothering him. Suddenly it all came to him--like out of a past life! His entire family, everyone but he and Joegadesh, no one else spared! Out for an ordinary day of recreation, but in the end, hapless victims! All eaten by a rabid chipmunk! Markidu looked up, and Dalebaba's eyes sparkled with recognition. He knew! "You recognize me as the lost relative of that family you ate! In the California forest!" Markidu said. "I would," Dalebaba nodded, munching. "If that had happened. But did that ever happen? Think carefully. What do you remember of that incident." "Well," Markidu scratched his head. "It was so many years ago. It started out with the family walking up the trail, and then Meggin had a dream about
squirrels ..." "And that's it. That's all. All you have on me is the beginning of a story that was never written! It never happened! What makes you think that story ever ended the way you thought it was going to end when you never got finished telling it in the first place?" "What ... what do you mean," Markidu said, his brow furrowed with concentration. Story? What was Dalebaba talking about? "If that story had been told like you planned, then yes, it would have been me who ate your family. But that story never was told, so I couldn't have eaten your family, could I have?" Markidu nodded, pretending to understand. But his inner thoughts were now hopelessly confused, and he could only say, "Well, it's been nice talking to you." And that was the last thing he remembered when he lost his consciousness.

Joey--I pass it back to you in assumption that you will be the writer of book III

The Epic Of Joegamesh: Book I

Greetings internetgoers, It indeed has been many moons since I have posted anything on here. I don't have a new song translation for you guys, but I do have something you might find interesting. My cousin, Mark Dittmer, and I have a long tradition of telling pass-on stories. The latest one we have been wroking on is a work VERY loosely based on the Epic of Gilgamesh (I started the story this time and so I was able to choose the topic-hence its nerdy nature). Like most of our pass-on stories, however, the main characters are basically Mark(Markidu) and I(Joegamesh), and we perform all sorts of superhuman exploits. Or in other words like Sumerian praise poetry(check some out on the electronic text corpus of Sumerian literature: http://www-etcsl.orient.ox.ac.uk/ ) this story is basically like a self administerd ego-massage, but we try to do in a comical way, so hopefully some of that will shine through. I plan on posting each story segment or "Book" in its own little post. I will start with the first book written by me(I apologize for any and all grammatical and punctuation errors, I am sure there are many, but I'm too lazy to fix them):

Book I: The Coming of Markidu

In the City of Dittmeruk there lived a mighty king by the name of
Joegamesh. None could match him in battle and ferocity and his
breathtaking countenance was surely that of a god. In fact from his divine grandfather the god Alma August(this is kind of a pagan work-do you think making Grandpa a god is appropriate or no?) he was part divine. However, Joegamesh was a tyrant, he made a law in Dittmeruk that all chicks must make out with him(I cleaned up this story from the actual Epic of Gilgamesh-meaning that instead of sex I'm going with the more family friendly making out) whenever he desired or go to jail. The men also he made go to war for him to get him more money for him to put in his money bin, which Joegamesh liked to burrow through like a gopher and throw bits of gold and silver up(this was before coins) and let them fall on his head. The people were getting rather annoyed at all this, even the chicks were getting annoyed at making out with Joegamesh whenever he wanted, despite the fact that Joey was the studliest hunk that ever lived. They cried to the gods for relief. Mighty An(a big Mesopotamian deity) heard there cries and decided to make someone as big and bad as Joey to show Joey what was up. An pinched off clay and made a big bad dude with long hair like the god of cattle, then breathed in him the breath of life, and named him Markidu. Markidu was a wild man and lived in the woods with the animals. He could run as fast as the gazelles, and enjoyed playing and singing with the animals all the live long day. He lived off of wild grass and water from cool mountain streams. He would rescue animals caught in traps and keep hunters from catching their prey. When hunters saw him they were terrified of this fearsome looking wildman of the woods. Then one day one clever hunter named Bob(okay really his name was Marduk-apla-iddina, but the translator took some liberties with it)thought up a clever scheme. The hunter Bob thought, hmm what is it that all guys want, even long haired wild men of the woods, then he thought of it, Chicks!! Chicks was the answer. Bob just happened to know the lovely Miss Dittmeruk, the winner of the Miss Dittmeruk pageant, and she just happened to owe him for giving her the pageant entry fee of 1 mina of silver. So he was like, "there is this crazy guy in the forest that is ruining my hunting business, you need to make out with him so long and hard that his senses will be clouded and he won't even remember who he is. Then I will be able to actually catch something." So Miss Dittmeruk, whose actual name was Tabtum Suhartum(which means fine young lady in Akkadian). Got her sexiest outfit on,(and I tell you what that girl was tabtum[fine]!!!), and went to the wilderness where Markidu was last seen. Markidu saw her from afar and immediately his heart was conquered. He coyly crept in closer to get a better look. Then Tabtum pounced on him like a lion pounces on a wildebeast. Quickly administering a 30 second frencher on him. Markidu did not know what to make of this new experience at first, but about ten seconds into the kiss he decided he liked it. The world seemed to spin around him, he felt dizzy and nauseous, but yet he was enjoying himself. Afterwards he was weak in the knees and was somehow different. He could no longer keep up with the gazelles and the animals now all ran from him. So he decided to accompany Tabtum to Dittmeruk to enjoy the ancient Mesopotamian nightlife. Later, while Markidu and Tabtum boogied at the local disco, who should walk in but Joegamesh himself. He strutted in like a proud lion, king of all he surveyed. He glanced at Tabtum and imediately his heart was conquered. Joegamesh ordered her "hey you, lips here, now!!" as he used a finger to point to his own lips. Markidu would have none of that and immediately smacked Joegamesh with all his might. Joegamesh flew across the disco through the roof and landed half a block down the street. Joegamesh slowly righted himself shook and dusted himself off. Then he ripped out a 40 ft palm tree, and ran with his might back into the disco. Upon entering he quipped "batter up!", before swinging the palm tree right into Markidu. Now it was Markidu's turn to fly threw the roof. Joegamesh knocked Markidu so high that Markidu could see some weird guy riding an eagle(there is a Mesopotamian story with an eagle-riding guy), and the people all became smaller and smaller until they disappeared. Then he quickly fell and as as the wind roared passed his ears the people became larger and larger until he landed with a loud boom, creating a ten foot crater. He was 2 miles from the disco. After about five minutes he recovered and shook himself off only to see Joegamesh coming at him again at full speed. He met Joegamesh's speed and as they reached each other they both hit one another and knocked each other twenty feet back as they collided. The two were little phased by the run in and were soon at it again. Night and Day they fought for a whole week. After a week the two were exhausted, and began wondering why they were fighting in the first place. They couldn't help but admire the other for it was obvious to both of them that they were equal in strength and fighting skill. Markidu then spoke up," Hey fightining each other is getting us no where, let's make up and be friends", Joegamesh heartily agreed, and from that time forth they were the best of friends. They soon grew sick of life in Dittmeruk, however, and it wasn't long before they decided to take off and seek adventure elsewhere. They heard of a terrifying chipmunk named Dale-baba that had been menacing the city's inhabitants, eating people whole, and then stealing their nuts and eating them whole. It was said that after he came to eat people that he retreated to the cedar forests to the north. It was time for Joegamesh and Markidu to take action. The two armed themselves and took off. The people of Dittmeruk rejoiced, finally Joegamesh had something to do besides annoy them all the time.
End of Book I