Akkadian Valentines

Greetings internetgoers. I told you earlier about the wonders of Akkadian and the usage of said dead language to pick up on the ladies. I received some comments that my pick up lines were a little weak, and I must confess that they were. Luckily I have been practicing the Akkadian and feel my skills have been improving greatly. In fact for last Valentines day I not only translated Valentines(or tuppi libbim "tablets of heart" my made up Akkadian words for Valentine) into Akkadian but had them transcribed into Old Babylonian cuneiform on pink(for Valentines Day) tablets. I even gave some of these tablets to real girls(with English translations of course). Needless to say libbi beletim akshud or I conquered the hearts of the ladies. Here is a copy of the valentines I made in Akkadian, with English translations following. These lines will be sure to conquer the hearts of the ladies, especially if you hit one of those space time continuum things so prevalent nowadays and get trapped in Hammurabi's Old Babylonian empire. So without further ado here they are:

I. Yusepum, qarradum sharahum, libbi beletim ina emuqisha dannim ikashud, u libbishu ina banutiki takshudi

Joey(Yusepum-made up word), the magnificent hero, conquers the hearts of the ladies by his mighty strength, but you conquered his heart by your fineness.

II. Shumi Yusepum. Bashti dannat. Shumi hattam itti tanittim ikattam. Kati ewam tuppi libbiya arrish.

My name is Joey. My good looks are mighty. My name covers the branch(referring to the singles branch the congregation I attend within my church consisting of unmarried single LDS people between the ages of 18 and 30) with glory. I desire you become my Valentine.

III. tenashi? ashum kabatti ana kala umim talliki.

Are you becoming weak? because you ran around my mind all day.

IV. Suhartum tabtum atti. Libbi Tashriqi. Wardum ana kashim anaku.

You are a fine young woman. You stole my heart. I am a slave for you.

V. Tabutki dannum libbi sha madutim dannutim awili ikshud.

Your strong sweetness conquers the hearts of many mighty men.

VI. Emmatati kima diparum. Bishi tuppi libbiya.

You are hot like a torch. Be my Valentine.

VII. Bashtiki dannum ikshudanni-ma libbi isir.

Your mighty good looks have conquered me and taken my heart captive.

VIII. Shulmam tanaddinam-ma libbi takshudi

As you gave me greeting you conquered my heart.(Or for a more idiomatic rendering: "you had me at hello")

IX. Terreshinni? shutri annam u la.
( ) ( ) (parentheses denote check boxes)
annam la

Do you desire me? Inscribe yes or no
( ) ( )
yes no
(okay this one [IX] is not much of a Valentine, but I made it anyway, just for fun)

X. Suhartum bantum suharu kalu, qadum yati irreshu.

Beautiful young woman all young men want you, including me.

XI. Wardam ana natalim sha buniki bantim abashi.

I would become a slave to see your beautiful face.

XII. Lalatuki shurbatum libbi innisha.

Your very great charms make my heart weak.

XIII. Libbi kabit, ederam kati ahshih.

My heart is heavy, I need to hug you.

XIV. Suhartum magal bantum atti. Yati kali u kati annashaq.

You are a very fine young woman. Restrain me or I will kiss you.

XV. Anumma annam ina ilum samshim Shamash atamma, atti reshu tuppi libbim.

Now this I swear by the sun god Shamash, you're tops Valentine.

XVI. Tuppi libbim bantum atti, tanittaki tabat

You are a fine Valentine, your praise is sweet.

XVII. Inaki uqnan zakan
shaptaki illuran bantan
mashaki garum tabum
gattiki sharrah
lalatuki shurbuati tuppi libbim

Your eyes are pure lapis lazuli(a beautiful blue stone)
Your lips are(a pair of) beautiful red flowers
Your skin is fine cream
Your form is magnificent
Your charms are very great Valentine

XVIII. Kati, suhartum, adabbub, libbi tashriqi

I should tell you, young woman, you stole my heart.

XIX. Kati anassar-ma libbi idmiq. Bishi tuppi libbiya.

As I was watching you my heart prospered. Be my Valentine.

XX. Suhartum bantum la tarriki qibi kati Yusepum arrish

Fine young woman, don't delay say, "I want you Joey"

Notes(i.e. boring stuff I felt obligated to include):
I don't know how to put symbols in here so I made due without them, I should note
though that h is hard as in the pronunciation of the ch in loch, and also that my "sh" are
pronounced as the usual English "sh", but they correspond to one symbol in standard
renderings of Akkadian , that symbol being an s with a little down pointed wedge at the
top of it. The main reason I mention this is that the use of "sh" instead of the special "s"
makes the necessary reduplication of some consonants as in ikas*s*ad(s* denotes special
"sh" "s") impractical and confusing(i.e. I didn't think writing ikashshad was a very good
idea) so instead of the standard doubling of consonants in certain situations I opted for a
simplified phonetic rendering, and use nothing but the basic English letters. It should also
be noted that emphatic consonants and lengthened vowels are also not marked in my
renderings of Akkadian. Besides the "sh" "s", and the hard pronunciation of "h", the
consonants are pronounced like their English equivalents, and I will give vowel
pronunciation as follows, It should be noted that the following is taken from John
Huehnergard's book "A Grammar of Akkadian"(more bibliographical info: 3d printing
with corrections,2000, orignally published 1997, Eisenbrauns, Winona Lake, Indiana),
page 1, and also that most of my Akkadian knowledge is also gleaned from this book, but
I also used A Concise Dictionary of Akkadian ed. by Jeremy Black et al.( 2nd corrected
printing, 2000 Harrasowitz verlag Wiesbaden) for my translations as well as the
following website:
http://www.premiumwanadoo.com/cuneiform.languages/dictionary/index_en.php
Anyway now that I got that Bibliographical info out of the way here is a chart from Huehnergard's Grammar of Akkadian pg. 1 about how scholars believe the vowels were pronounced:
Short Vowels: Long vowels(marked with a strait line or
upward pointed wedge over the letter*):
a as in swap a as in father
e as in pet e as in rein
i as in pit i as in marine
u as in put u as in rule


*my renderings don't include long vowel marks, but I thought I would note how they are pronounced anyway, you will just have to guess which are long and which are short, or read Huehnergard's Grammar of Akkadian for yourself.

At any rate I hope all those notes make my Akkadian translations all the more fun, and appease the persons to whom I owe a great debt for my Akkadian knowledge, such as Mr. Huehnergard and Mr. Black. I know I didn't quite use proper form in citing their sources, but hopefully I gave enough to show that plagiarism is not my intent at all. So, internetgoers I hope you gain some amusement from this, hopefully it wasn't too long and boring.

The Epic of Joegamesh Book VII: The Quest for Derek-napishtim the faraway begins

I must apologize for how long it has taken me to write this part of the story(I've been lazy-and this is my section so I must take the blame), but finally we get to return to the tale of the mighty duo of Joegamesh and Markidu.

The Epic of Joegamesh

Book VII: The Quest for Derek-napishtim the faraway begins

Joegamesh and Inanna had been blissfully engaged for about a month, when Inanna’s father An walked in on them, “Smooch, smooch, smooch!! All you two ever do is smooch! Daughter I thought this guy was supposed to be some kind of hero or something yet all he does all day is lounge around and make out with you!” An complained heatedly, “he better do something impressive quick, or else I won’t allow this wedding!!” Joegamesh was about to think up a biting retort to An’s insulting complaints, such as “your mom better do something impressive quick!!”, but before he could utter a word, Inanna’s brother, the sun god Utu, cried out, “Oh no!! Chipbaba and Dalebaba are holding Derek-Napishtim and his wife ransom as well as Miss Dittmuruk herself Suhartum Tabtum, and won’t let them go unless we give them Immortality and the key to the gates of the underworld!! We only have one week to fulfill their demands!!”. Utu showed the ransom clay tablet to An,“Oh, Tigris and Euphrates!!” An cursed, “Immortality!! Those guys are annoying enough as mortals; and keys to the underworld!!, that would lead to complete chaos!! They would surely let all the undead loose in the land of the living and with all the racket the undead make you can just say goodbye to any chance of a goodnight’s sleep!!”, “How can you think of sleep when the pious Derek-napishtim is in trouble?” Utu queried, remembering how the pious couple of Derek-napishitm and his wife had built a boat to save the seed of mankind during the worldwide flood, and how they had been granted immortality for their righteousness and sent to the paradisiacal land of Dilmun at the edge of the world. Something had to be done but what, An thought. Just then it came to him, he went over to Joegamesh and said, “hey lazy, I gotta deal for you”, Joegamesh looked up quizzically from his making out, “yes I am referring to you, Joegamesh” An emphasized (Joegamesh would have knocked the block off of any mortal who called him lazy, but since it was the sky god An he let it slide). “If you want to marry my daughter you must go and rescue Derek-napishtim the faraway and the other hostages from the clutches of those evil twin chipmunks, you have one week to complete this task.” Markidu couldn’t help but overhear the whole conversation. Things hadn’t been going as well for him as for Joegamesh. He had been dating goddesses such as Uttu and Nidaba, but he didn’t have the connection with any of them that he had felt with Miss Dittmuruk. “An, may I help Joegamesh in this task?” Markidu begged, “Of course Markidu, he’ll need the help, but he must agree to the task first. What do you say Joegamesh?”. “Of course I will do it” Joegamesh said confidently, “I’ve got a score to settle with those rodents”, and being completely whipped added, “and I would do anything for Inanna”, which he followed with a sly wink. Inanna’s beautiful cheeks reddened slightly and promptly she rewarded Joegamesh with a 30 second frencher that made his toes curl. “Hey stop that!!” An demanded, “Joegamesh, you and Markidu have work to do, there is no time for making out, go back to the mortal realm and save Derek-napishtim!!” “Aw Dang!” Joegamesh whined, he sure wanted to make out some more, but An was right, there was work to be done. “Come my old friend Markidu, let’s go kick some rodent tale”, Joegamesh said, “Indeed it is” Markidu replied, “if only we knew how to find Derek-napishtim the faraway”. Fortunately for them, the sun god Utu already knew they would need a map and used his magical “mapquest” powers to create a map and directions for them inscribed on a clay tablet. Joegamesh and Markidu studied the map carefully, Start off heading east of the Tigris across the burning desert, take the right path through the Silver mountains, the trail will curve slightly to the left, then enter the cave of the scorpion men. Take a right toward the lake of death, cross the lake of death and arrive in Dilmun land, End at 1 Dilmun land(it’s the only house on the island you can’t miss it). “Sounds easy enough”, Joegamesh and Markidu thought. “Utu, your praise is sweet, thanks for the map, I think we are ready to go now” Joegamesh announced. An heard Joegamesh announcement, and made one of his own, “Okay Joegamesh and Markidu, I’m sending you back to Dittmeruk, good luck, your gonna need it”, and with those words having been said An used his divine powers to send the pair of heroes back to the town center of Dittmeruk. “Woah, that was cool” Markidu said. It didn’t take long for the few remaining people of Dittmeruk to notice the return of the king, and his companion Marklidu, the people cheered for the king and his companion who had saved them from the bull of heaven by agreeing to marry Inanna, causing her to finally return the bull of heaven to its rightful place. The ladies of the town threw themselves at Joegamesh and Markidu begging to be made out with, and Joegamesh was about to acquiesce when all of a sudden out of a nearby cloud popped the head of Inanna and with fire in her eyes and a threatening wave of her finger Joegamesh decided making out with the locals wasn’t in his best interest. As for Markidu, he was attracted to many of the ladies throwing themselves at him, but he couldn’t stop thinking of Miss Dittmeruk and couldn’t bring himself to make out with anyone. So instead of making out the to went to work gathering supplies and weapons for the long journey ahead. It wasn’t long before they were ready and set out to save Derek-napishtim the faraway.