The Epic of Joegamesh Book VIII: The quest for Derek-Napishtim the faraway continues(sort of)

Here is Mark's long awaited continuation of our great epic. He didn't provide a title for this so I supplied one myself. So without further ado here it is:

The Epic of Joegamesh Book VIII: The Quest for Derek-Napishtim the faraway continues(sort of)

Joegamesh and Markidu were tired and thirsty. The directions to the remote spot where they could find the hostate Derek Napishtim were very clear, but Joegamesh and Markidu had set out on their journey without looking at all of the distances. "Proceed across the desert for 10,000 miles," the directions said. "Then, when you get to the stream, take a right."
By the time they had travelled 5,000 miles, Joegamesh and Markidu had drunken all of their water. By the time they had travelled 6,000 miles, both were secretly plotting to attack and eat one another during the night.
"How are you feeling?" Markidu asked Joegamesh. "Does your body still feel hydrated?"
"Oh, sure!" Joegamesh said, not wanting Markidu to know how thirsty he was for anything--for Markidu's bodily fluids in particular. "I'm feeling really tip top, never been better. It's good to get some exercise out in the fresh air."
"So," Markidu continued, "There's probably a lot of water inside you. The human body is made of over 50 percent water, and you weigh about 300 pounds, so I think that means that there's 150 pounds of water inside of you."
"What are you talking about?" Joegamesh asked. He had momentarily stopped paying attention to the words coming out of Markidu's mouth, because he was busy stearing inside Markidu's mouth ... he thought he saw beads of saliva, and he desperately wanted to drink them.
"Oh nothing!" Markidu said, eyeing the 150-pounds of life-saving water that walked at his side. "Just thinking out loud, ha ha!"
The two companions-turned-rivals-for-survival had their thoughts interrupted at about the 6,500-mile mark by the most peculiar site. Something like lightning flashed, a sudden wind raked the desert, and a square rectangular box about seven feet high and three feet by three feet in length and width landed in the desert not far away from them. It was a metal box, and it had apparently materialized out of nowhere. After a few seconds, a door in it opened, and strange-looking people wearing all manners of strange fabrics started coming out of the box. Two of the people, young men, approached Joegamesh and Markidu.
"How's it goin' Caveman Dudes?" said one of the men.
"We're saved!" Markidu said to Joegamesh. "Sucking the bodily fluids of these people will sustain us for days!"
"Whoah, that sounds totally bogus!" said the other man. They were dressed in loud colors and strange patterns, and they had their faces shaven, like women. They also had longish hair. "Dudes, we're just looking for Joegamesh and Markidu to help us with our history report! No need to like, suck our bodily fluids."
"Bill, I think these guys ARE Joegamesh and Markidu! They're in the middle of their famous 10,000-mile trek through the desert. They must be totally thirsty!"
"Totally, Ted, you're right as usual! But where would we want to take two totally thirsty Neanderthal heroes?"
Both men paused, then took a deep breath and answered the question in unison: "WATER WORLD!"

Within an hour, Markidu and Joegamesh had been transported by Bill and Ted to the year 1988, to the Water World amusement park in San Dimas, California. As soon as they exited the cramped phone booth that doubled as a time-travelling machine, the two heroes raced to a nearby oasis of blue water, plunged their heads into it and gulped. The water tasted sour and disgusting.
"Is this a trick?" Joegamesh demanded, confronting Bill and Ted.
"We will eat you alive!" Markidu threatened.
"Caveman dudes!" exclaimed Ted, "Chill out, please! That water you drank is only for swimming; the drinking water is over here!"
Once their extreme thirst was finally satisfied at the drinking fountain and then their extreme hunger was satisfied at the nearby refreshments kiosk (Bill and Ted kindly paid for everything), the two epic heroes were free to explore the future. They saw that the women of the future were much different than the women they were accustomed to.
"Where's all their hair?" Markidu said to Ted.
"They're so skinny, they look like toothpicks," Joegamesh said to Bill.
Though they felt infinitely more handsome than all the shaved, puny creatures that populated the amusement park, it was a little uncomfortable how everybody stared at them and treated them different. (No one laughed at them, not after the first guy was instantly mauled for his mistake in doing so.)
This continued over the next couple of days leading up to Bill and Ted's report. Joegamesh handled it well, but Markidu did not; he missed being idolized and started trying to fit in more with the strange humans that populated San Dimas. He cut his hair and shaved his beard; he took to wearing suits and spending time working on Ted's father's computer. When it came time for all of the important historical figures (there had been lots of others in the phone booth) to help Bill and Ted with their book report, Markidu hogged the stage, and spoke so fast that Benjamin Franklin walked off the stage in a huff because Markidu wouldn't let him get a word in.
When the presentation was over, it was time for all of the historical figures to go home. Joegamesh couldn't wait to get back to the goddess Innana, but Markidu wasn't so sure.
"Is it really time to go back already?" he asked when Bill and Ted began rounding up the troops. "I just got a job interview at Starbucks, which is just across the street from the Old Navy where that girl Gloria works ... I think she likes me. I think I want to stay here in San Dimas."
"Suit yourself, Mark-Dude," Bill and Ted said, and they walked toward the phone booth. But minutes later, Markidu looked up from the computer at which he was practicing typing and saw his old friend Joegamesh in the doorway. At first he was going to scold Joegamesh for continuing in his caveman-like appearance, but then he realized--Joegamesh was here to say good-bye.
Then Markidu realized he had to go back home, he could not say good-bye to everybody from his old life, and so he got up and said, "I'm coming, Joegamesh. I don't know what I was thinking."
So they both went back to the desert, and continued on their journey to save Derek-Napishtim, carrying with them special souvenir water bottles that would remind them of their trip to the future.

Photographic evidence for Akkadian Valentines

Greetings internetgoers here's some pics of me and the Akkadian valentines I mentioned in a previous post I hope you enjoy them.

Akkadian Valentines

Greetings internetgoers. I told you earlier about the wonders of Akkadian and the usage of said dead language to pick up on the ladies. I received some comments that my pick up lines were a little weak, and I must confess that they were. Luckily I have been practicing the Akkadian and feel my skills have been improving greatly. In fact for last Valentines day I not only translated Valentines(or tuppi libbim "tablets of heart" my made up Akkadian words for Valentine) into Akkadian but had them transcribed into Old Babylonian cuneiform on pink(for Valentines Day) tablets. I even gave some of these tablets to real girls(with English translations of course). Needless to say libbi beletim akshud or I conquered the hearts of the ladies. Here is a copy of the valentines I made in Akkadian, with English translations following. These lines will be sure to conquer the hearts of the ladies, especially if you hit one of those space time continuum things so prevalent nowadays and get trapped in Hammurabi's Old Babylonian empire. So without further ado here they are:

I. Yusepum, qarradum sharahum, libbi beletim ina emuqisha dannim ikashud, u libbishu ina banutiki takshudi

Joey(Yusepum-made up word), the magnificent hero, conquers the hearts of the ladies by his mighty strength, but you conquered his heart by your fineness.

II. Shumi Yusepum. Bashti dannat. Shumi hattam itti tanittim ikattam. Kati ewam tuppi libbiya arrish.

My name is Joey. My good looks are mighty. My name covers the branch(referring to the singles branch the congregation I attend within my church consisting of unmarried single LDS people between the ages of 18 and 30) with glory. I desire you become my Valentine.

III. tenashi? ashum kabatti ana kala umim talliki.

Are you becoming weak? because you ran around my mind all day.

IV. Suhartum tabtum atti. Libbi Tashriqi. Wardum ana kashim anaku.

You are a fine young woman. You stole my heart. I am a slave for you.

V. Tabutki dannum libbi sha madutim dannutim awili ikshud.

Your strong sweetness conquers the hearts of many mighty men.

VI. Emmatati kima diparum. Bishi tuppi libbiya.

You are hot like a torch. Be my Valentine.

VII. Bashtiki dannum ikshudanni-ma libbi isir.

Your mighty good looks have conquered me and taken my heart captive.

VIII. Shulmam tanaddinam-ma libbi takshudi

As you gave me greeting you conquered my heart.(Or for a more idiomatic rendering: "you had me at hello")

IX. Terreshinni? shutri annam u la.
( ) ( ) (parentheses denote check boxes)
annam la

Do you desire me? Inscribe yes or no
( ) ( )
yes no
(okay this one [IX] is not much of a Valentine, but I made it anyway, just for fun)

X. Suhartum bantum suharu kalu, qadum yati irreshu.

Beautiful young woman all young men want you, including me.

XI. Wardam ana natalim sha buniki bantim abashi.

I would become a slave to see your beautiful face.

XII. Lalatuki shurbatum libbi innisha.

Your very great charms make my heart weak.

XIII. Libbi kabit, ederam kati ahshih.

My heart is heavy, I need to hug you.

XIV. Suhartum magal bantum atti. Yati kali u kati annashaq.

You are a very fine young woman. Restrain me or I will kiss you.

XV. Anumma annam ina ilum samshim Shamash atamma, atti reshu tuppi libbim.

Now this I swear by the sun god Shamash, you're tops Valentine.

XVI. Tuppi libbim bantum atti, tanittaki tabat

You are a fine Valentine, your praise is sweet.

XVII. Inaki uqnan zakan
shaptaki illuran bantan
mashaki garum tabum
gattiki sharrah
lalatuki shurbuati tuppi libbim

Your eyes are pure lapis lazuli(a beautiful blue stone)
Your lips are(a pair of) beautiful red flowers
Your skin is fine cream
Your form is magnificent
Your charms are very great Valentine

XVIII. Kati, suhartum, adabbub, libbi tashriqi

I should tell you, young woman, you stole my heart.

XIX. Kati anassar-ma libbi idmiq. Bishi tuppi libbiya.

As I was watching you my heart prospered. Be my Valentine.

XX. Suhartum bantum la tarriki qibi kati Yusepum arrish

Fine young woman, don't delay say, "I want you Joey"

Notes(i.e. boring stuff I felt obligated to include):
I don't know how to put symbols in here so I made due without them, I should note
though that h is hard as in the pronunciation of the ch in loch, and also that my "sh" are
pronounced as the usual English "sh", but they correspond to one symbol in standard
renderings of Akkadian , that symbol being an s with a little down pointed wedge at the
top of it. The main reason I mention this is that the use of "sh" instead of the special "s"
makes the necessary reduplication of some consonants as in ikas*s*ad(s* denotes special
"sh" "s") impractical and confusing(i.e. I didn't think writing ikashshad was a very good
idea) so instead of the standard doubling of consonants in certain situations I opted for a
simplified phonetic rendering, and use nothing but the basic English letters. It should also
be noted that emphatic consonants and lengthened vowels are also not marked in my
renderings of Akkadian. Besides the "sh" "s", and the hard pronunciation of "h", the
consonants are pronounced like their English equivalents, and I will give vowel
pronunciation as follows, It should be noted that the following is taken from John
Huehnergard's book "A Grammar of Akkadian"(more bibliographical info: 3d printing
with corrections,2000, orignally published 1997, Eisenbrauns, Winona Lake, Indiana),
page 1, and also that most of my Akkadian knowledge is also gleaned from this book, but
I also used A Concise Dictionary of Akkadian ed. by Jeremy Black et al.( 2nd corrected
printing, 2000 Harrasowitz verlag Wiesbaden) for my translations as well as the
following website:
http://www.premiumwanadoo.com/cuneiform.languages/dictionary/index_en.php
Anyway now that I got that Bibliographical info out of the way here is a chart from Huehnergard's Grammar of Akkadian pg. 1 about how scholars believe the vowels were pronounced:
Short Vowels: Long vowels(marked with a strait line or
upward pointed wedge over the letter*):
a as in swap a as in father
e as in pet e as in rein
i as in pit i as in marine
u as in put u as in rule


*my renderings don't include long vowel marks, but I thought I would note how they are pronounced anyway, you will just have to guess which are long and which are short, or read Huehnergard's Grammar of Akkadian for yourself.

At any rate I hope all those notes make my Akkadian translations all the more fun, and appease the persons to whom I owe a great debt for my Akkadian knowledge, such as Mr. Huehnergard and Mr. Black. I know I didn't quite use proper form in citing their sources, but hopefully I gave enough to show that plagiarism is not my intent at all. So, internetgoers I hope you gain some amusement from this, hopefully it wasn't too long and boring.

The Epic of Joegamesh Book VII: The Quest for Derek-napishtim the faraway begins

I must apologize for how long it has taken me to write this part of the story(I've been lazy-and this is my section so I must take the blame), but finally we get to return to the tale of the mighty duo of Joegamesh and Markidu.

The Epic of Joegamesh

Book VII: The Quest for Derek-napishtim the faraway begins

Joegamesh and Inanna had been blissfully engaged for about a month, when Inanna’s father An walked in on them, “Smooch, smooch, smooch!! All you two ever do is smooch! Daughter I thought this guy was supposed to be some kind of hero or something yet all he does all day is lounge around and make out with you!” An complained heatedly, “he better do something impressive quick, or else I won’t allow this wedding!!” Joegamesh was about to think up a biting retort to An’s insulting complaints, such as “your mom better do something impressive quick!!”, but before he could utter a word, Inanna’s brother, the sun god Utu, cried out, “Oh no!! Chipbaba and Dalebaba are holding Derek-Napishtim and his wife ransom as well as Miss Dittmuruk herself Suhartum Tabtum, and won’t let them go unless we give them Immortality and the key to the gates of the underworld!! We only have one week to fulfill their demands!!”. Utu showed the ransom clay tablet to An,“Oh, Tigris and Euphrates!!” An cursed, “Immortality!! Those guys are annoying enough as mortals; and keys to the underworld!!, that would lead to complete chaos!! They would surely let all the undead loose in the land of the living and with all the racket the undead make you can just say goodbye to any chance of a goodnight’s sleep!!”, “How can you think of sleep when the pious Derek-napishtim is in trouble?” Utu queried, remembering how the pious couple of Derek-napishitm and his wife had built a boat to save the seed of mankind during the worldwide flood, and how they had been granted immortality for their righteousness and sent to the paradisiacal land of Dilmun at the edge of the world. Something had to be done but what, An thought. Just then it came to him, he went over to Joegamesh and said, “hey lazy, I gotta deal for you”, Joegamesh looked up quizzically from his making out, “yes I am referring to you, Joegamesh” An emphasized (Joegamesh would have knocked the block off of any mortal who called him lazy, but since it was the sky god An he let it slide). “If you want to marry my daughter you must go and rescue Derek-napishtim the faraway and the other hostages from the clutches of those evil twin chipmunks, you have one week to complete this task.” Markidu couldn’t help but overhear the whole conversation. Things hadn’t been going as well for him as for Joegamesh. He had been dating goddesses such as Uttu and Nidaba, but he didn’t have the connection with any of them that he had felt with Miss Dittmuruk. “An, may I help Joegamesh in this task?” Markidu begged, “Of course Markidu, he’ll need the help, but he must agree to the task first. What do you say Joegamesh?”. “Of course I will do it” Joegamesh said confidently, “I’ve got a score to settle with those rodents”, and being completely whipped added, “and I would do anything for Inanna”, which he followed with a sly wink. Inanna’s beautiful cheeks reddened slightly and promptly she rewarded Joegamesh with a 30 second frencher that made his toes curl. “Hey stop that!!” An demanded, “Joegamesh, you and Markidu have work to do, there is no time for making out, go back to the mortal realm and save Derek-napishtim!!” “Aw Dang!” Joegamesh whined, he sure wanted to make out some more, but An was right, there was work to be done. “Come my old friend Markidu, let’s go kick some rodent tale”, Joegamesh said, “Indeed it is” Markidu replied, “if only we knew how to find Derek-napishtim the faraway”. Fortunately for them, the sun god Utu already knew they would need a map and used his magical “mapquest” powers to create a map and directions for them inscribed on a clay tablet. Joegamesh and Markidu studied the map carefully, Start off heading east of the Tigris across the burning desert, take the right path through the Silver mountains, the trail will curve slightly to the left, then enter the cave of the scorpion men. Take a right toward the lake of death, cross the lake of death and arrive in Dilmun land, End at 1 Dilmun land(it’s the only house on the island you can’t miss it). “Sounds easy enough”, Joegamesh and Markidu thought. “Utu, your praise is sweet, thanks for the map, I think we are ready to go now” Joegamesh announced. An heard Joegamesh announcement, and made one of his own, “Okay Joegamesh and Markidu, I’m sending you back to Dittmeruk, good luck, your gonna need it”, and with those words having been said An used his divine powers to send the pair of heroes back to the town center of Dittmeruk. “Woah, that was cool” Markidu said. It didn’t take long for the few remaining people of Dittmeruk to notice the return of the king, and his companion Marklidu, the people cheered for the king and his companion who had saved them from the bull of heaven by agreeing to marry Inanna, causing her to finally return the bull of heaven to its rightful place. The ladies of the town threw themselves at Joegamesh and Markidu begging to be made out with, and Joegamesh was about to acquiesce when all of a sudden out of a nearby cloud popped the head of Inanna and with fire in her eyes and a threatening wave of her finger Joegamesh decided making out with the locals wasn’t in his best interest. As for Markidu, he was attracted to many of the ladies throwing themselves at him, but he couldn’t stop thinking of Miss Dittmeruk and couldn’t bring himself to make out with anyone. So instead of making out the to went to work gathering supplies and weapons for the long journey ahead. It wasn’t long before they were ready and set out to save Derek-napishtim the faraway.

The Epic Of Joegamesh: Book VI

Well, for those one or two fans of this story out there the wait is over. We are finally contnuing with the adventures of Joegamesh and Markidu. Oh and by the way this part of the story was written by Mark

Book VI:

The Proposal

Joegamesh and Markidu sprang into action. Markidu plunged into some nearby undergrowth searching for vines with which to make a lasso; he also tied another vine around his club-handle. Joegamesh, meanwhile, raced into the center of the town and there climbed halfway up the famous Tree of Dittmeruk, the pride of the town, decorated by the villagers every holiday season in celebration of Tree Day. He waited on a branch, 20 feet off the ground, while Markidu set their plan into motion.
Markidu stepped out into the street a block away from the raging bull and began swinging his lasso. A minute or so later, after destroying a bit more property and maiming some more villagers, the raging bull noticed the lasso and momentarily stopped killing people. He focused his attention on the lasso, which shone in the sun travelling in its circular motion. The bull of heaven moved its head to the ground, watching the lasso intently: he pawed at the ground and stared. Most nearby citizens gratefully used the time to run in opposite directions, although a few were either too intrigued or too paralyzed to leave; they stayed and watched.
And then the bull was off, galloping at full speed toward Markidu. Fire swirled around him, but Markidu waited until he felt the fire touch his skin before leaping 15 feet to the side of the road (Markidu considered hiimself a long-jump champion) while simultaneously lasso-ing the bull.
Immediately, he was pulled in seemingly every direction at once by the angry bull, but the lasso was long enough that Markidu could stay out of striking distance. Leaning back on his heels, Markidu allowed the Bull's movements to propel him around the dusty dirt-road as if he were on water skis. He used his studly leg muscles to maneuver himself, making sure to keep behind the bull at all times, and after thoroughly confusing the angrier-by-the-minute creature, he began assaulting it with his club, which, tied as it was on the end of a vine, functioned nicely as a whip. During this time the bull had dragged Markidu out into the suburbs of Dittmeruk, but using the club to steer the bull, Markidu got him turned around and headed back into the center of town.
Joegamesh awaited their approach, and prepared to alight onto the bull. He had to time it perfectly, as the angry bull ran in excess of 100 mph, and he landed right ontop of the angry bull and hung for deer life onto the flesh on the back of its neck. Well actually, he hung on for deer life with one hand, while with the other hand he applied his substantial muscle to the bull of heaven's left horn. He used his mighty prowess to bend the horn inward, to make the mighty bull incapable of goring anything.
But then, the bull surprised Markidu and Joegamesh. Faced with adversaries stronger than it had ever faced before and feeling backed into a corner, the angry bull breathed its fiery breath on its own upper chest and neck. The skin blackened in an alarming third-degree burn, but meanwhile, the lasso was broken and Markidu was sent into orbit; as the bull shook him off, he landed awkwardly toward the top of 100-foot tall trees a mile away. Now with a greater freedom of movement, the bull flopped onto its back and then twisted back up, and suddenly Joegamesh was the one on his back, with an angry bull eyeing him furiously, ready to do him in with his one good horn. Suddenly, it looked like the end for Joegamesh.
But the bull did not spear Joegamesh; instead, out of nowhere, Inanna materialized. One one side of his field of view from where he lay, Joegamesh saw the bull's horn, the sun reflecting off of its sharp point. On the other side, he saw the beautiful goddess standing over him. He had always known that she was hot but in this moment, he had been so close to death that his life had actually passed before his eyes. And upon further review, he really hadn't ever seen any woman so hot. In fact, she seemed a composite of all the hot women she had ever known; in fact, she was such a composite. She could channel the hotness of any mortal woman, much as Terminator II could become anything it touched, she could become any woman that was hot. Joegamesh's jaw-dropped as he looked upon her.
Looking down at him, she said: "I'll give you one last chance, Joegamesh. Be mine. Or be his."
By that point, Markidu had made it down from the tree he'd landed in and had rushed onto the scene, ready to save his friend--but he skidded to a stop when he saw the goddess. His jaw dropped, and he tilted his head in wonder. "Joegamesh," he said. "I think maybe losing the battle against the bull of heaven could actually be a good thing. It's your call, though."
Joegamesh hesitated. He had been proud of his ability to resist the seductress of seductresses. Normally, Joegamesh womanized prolifically without thinking ahead, but on this occasion he had remembered the cautionary tales of the hunter and the salt manufacturer. And then he had said "talk to the hand, because the ears don't understand!" and "You can't have the Joegamesh!" But now, that resistence came back to him as courtship, and if having the bull of heaven destroy his home city and threatening him with death were Inanna's way of courting him--well, it was working.
"I do," Joegamesh said, at which point he and Inanna melted together passionately and with such wanton sexual abandon that Markidu and the bull quickly grew embarrassed. Since nobody was paying attention, the bull decided it was okay to start destroying stuff again, and his first goal was to destroy Markidu, and the bull chased Markidu all around the smoldering remains of Dittmeruk for the rest of the afternoon.
The next morning, Joegamesh woke up on a splendidly comfortable cumulus cloud in heaven, with blue skies all around and the very essence of hotness personified lying peacefully beside him. So far, things seemed to be working out. They had gotten Markidu his own private cloud, and Markidu was trying to meet single goddesses by using one of the many dating services offered up in heaven. But Joegamesh knew it wouldn't be easy. Marriage also required compromise, and all sorts of serious decisions. Would they need to buy a house? Would they have kids? Who would take care of the kids? Would her parents like him? Would his parents like her? All of these questions fluttered at the outside of Joegamesh's mind.
But for the time being, he was a very happy man.

The Epic Of Joegamesh: Book V

Book V: Inanna and the Bull of Heaven


After Joegamesh had administered the kiss of life to his friend Markidu. He and Markidu needed to spend some time with the ladies to get back in touch with the manly studs they truly were inside. Besides they both felt it was time for a little vacation from adventuring. So they went to the nearest town-Dittmari, and like a pair of lions stalking a sickly wildebeast they were on the hunt for some ladies to spend an enjoyable evening with. Being the studly dreamboats they were it didn't take them long before they both had themselves a woman and were enjoying themselves at one of the women's houses in an ancient Sumerian hot-tub. The ladies were quick to admire the radiant manly glory of the two. As Joegamesh and Markidu sported their swimming kaunakes(sheep skin skirts), their perfectly chiseled muscles rippled, and their skin gleamed like polished bronze. Unfortunately, the mortal ladies weren't the only ones who noticed. The goddess of love and war herself, Inanna, also noticed and she liked what she saw. She liked it a lot. She was especially drawn to Joegamesh for Markidu had a little more hair than she cared for in a beau. She just had to have him, so she came down from the lofty heavens to speak with Joegamesh. Her blazing glory and beauty frightened the ladies that Joegamesh and Markidu had picked up and they ran as they saw her descend. She spoke to Joegamesh, "Joegamesh, these mortal chicks are no equal for your glorious hunkiness. Only a goddess as radiant as myself can be your equal. Lucky for you I just might be looking for someone" and with the last comment she gave Joegamesh a deliberate wink. Joegamesh had to pause for a second, he was flattered by the idea, I mean Inanna was a goddess, and not just any goddess, the powerful goddess of love and war, in addition to that she was the hottest female Joegamesh had ever seen her feminine form was perfect and she seemed to beam with radiant glory and hotness. Nevertheless, with all the stories he learned of Inanna he remembered how she always used her lovers and then threw them away like a bag of moldy dates. Joegamesh replied to the glorious goddess, "So, you want me to be your lover, eh?" The goddess replied with a nod. Joegamesh continued, "You are hot, but I know of your treacherous nature, remember your first lover, the hunter, whom you turned into a deer only so he could be devoured by his own hunting dogs. Then there was the salt manufacturer who you grew tired of, you turned him into a slug!! What I'm trying to say is, no I will not be your lover, Inanna!!" At Joegamesh's words Inanna grew desperate, "but, Joegamesh, look at how hot I am".Joegamesh extended a hand and countered sassily, "talk to the hand, cause the ears don't understand!!". Inanna growing angry, made a final desperate atempt, "Joegamesh I must have you, take me now, I demand it!!", to which Joegamesh boldly replied with a taunting slap on his buttocks, "You can't have the Joegamesh!!". Inanna was now furious, "You, will regret spurning me Joegamesh, you and all of Dittmeruk!!!", "Whatever, toots!!" Joegamesh retorted, and with that final word spoken Inanna returned to heaven. Inanna returned to the heavens with a huff and went to her father, the sky god An. An if you don't let me borrow the bull of heaven to smite Dittmeruk I'm going to let all the dead people out of the underworld(Inanna having control to the gates of the underworld). An gave in to her request, knowing that it was impossible to reason with her when she was angry and agreed to let her use the bull of heaven. Lucky For Joegamesh however, the glorious sun god Shamash, who was a friend to Joegamesh and Markidu, overheard the discussion of Inanna and sent a warning to Markidu that night in a dream. That night after a day of fun and games with Joegamesh, Markidu dreamed of fire and destruction in Dittmeruk and a 20ft tall bull with fearsome blazing eyes, breathing fire upon the terrified inhabitants of the city. He woke with a start, and shook his friend, "Joegamesh we must return to Dittmeruk immediately!!", Joegamesh replied groggily, "Is it noon already? Markidu, what are you talking about, the Miss Dittmeruk competition is not for another 4 months?". Markidu explained, "Joegamesh, since you dissed Inanna she has sent the horrible fire breathing bull of heaven to destroy Dittmeruk, Shamash showed it all to me in a dream!!" Joegamesh, not being one to doubt his friend quickly packed his things and were off to save their city. They returned as quickly as possible, riding the swiftest donkeys money can buy. Upon reaching the city Markidu saw the vision from his nightmare. Houses and markets were burning, as a horrible bull with blazing eyes stomped throughout the city. The heroic pair watched in horror as twenty valiant young men tried to attack the beast only to fall vistim to its fire breath. Another group tried to ambush the creature in a dark alley, to no avail. All were roasted. Could nothing stop this horrible beast, Joegamesh and Markidu wondered.

The Epic Of Joegamesh: Book IV

The latest installment of the Adventures of Joegamesh and Markidu. This part was written by Mark and constitutes the latest part of the stroy written so far. Don't worry though I'll write Mark back sometime soon.

The Epic of Joegamesh
Book IV
Sleeping Beauty



After having opened up a can of whoopass on two identically-hideous chipmunks, this just after having had long make-out sessions with every woman in Dittmeruk, Joegamesh was pooped. Seeing that the hut in which the fight had taken place was furnished with a comfortable futon, Joegamesh stretched out and began sleeping peacefully. It was 5 p.m.
Nineteen hours later, Joegamesh woke up feeling himself again. His enthusiasm for a new set of adventures was renewed, and his first thought was--Oh gosh, Markidu's going to be pissed at me for sleeping in! He wouldn't leave without me, would he? And so Joegamesh stood up and went into the kitchen ... where he saw Markidu lying there on the floor, in the same spot he'd been sleeping the previous night. Joegamesh became agitated.
"Markidu, wake up!" he said, shaking his friend by the shoulders. Markidu was breathing, clearly alive, but showed no signs of consciousness. Joegamesh, totally freaked out, tried prying Markidu's eyelids open, but only saw the whites of his eyes. Markidu, still sleeping, lightly tried to bat away Joegamesh's hand.
"I don't want the birdie," he said, "It poops on everything. I hate poop. I hate the poopie birdie."
After an emotional fit during which Joegamesh cried a bucket of anxious tears, Joegamesh went back into town for lunch. For the next few weeks, he brought food home to the entranced Markidu, who managed to eat in his sleep, albeit messily. Joegamesh would also pour water down Markidu's throat, although the latter managed to spit out half of what was given him. "Look, mom, I'm swimming!" he would say on these occasions.
After an entire month, Joegamesh had to decide what to do. The townspeople were starting to look to him as the king again, and while that was kind of nice, it had been his plan to go adventuring with Markidu, and he didn't want to give that up. So on March 12, 2432 b.c. (or something--please correct this date to make it fit better into any time period you'd like it to fit into), Joegamesh hoisted his packed duffel bag over one shoulder and his sleeping giant-friend over his other shoulder, and hit the road.
Hed been travelling for over a week when he caught up to an old beggar who was walking along the same road. He said hello politely and meant to continue on, but the man seemed intent on conversation. It turned out the man's name was Confucious-amesh, and it turned out he had a lot of advice for Joegamesh.
"Make new friends, and keep the old," the beggar said as he scratched himself. "One is silver and the other gold."
"Okay," Joegamesh said, and the phrase sounded familiar. Perhaps the old beggar wasn't as crazy as he looked. He decided to try to get some answers. "Confucious-amesh: I have to ask you: What is the source of all wisdom?"
"Ahh, you are clearly a seeker, on the path to enlightement," Confucious-amesh said. "The source of all wisdom is www.joeydittmer.com."
"Huh?," Joegamesh said. "What's that?"
"It's a web site on the internet."
This of course only made Joegamesh more confused.
"It doesn't exist yet, but in the future it will change the whole world."
Joegamesh decided to take the old guy's word for it; he didn't know what a joeydittmer.com was, but he liked the sound of it. He then tried to get Confucious-amesh's help with his more immediate troubles.
"Confucious-amesh, my friend here Markidu is under some sort of spell. He's been asleep for two months now." Joegamesh then explained about the evil squirrels (are there any other kind?). "What should I do?" he asked.
"Ah, yes, this is very clear to me," Confucious-amesh siad. "Dale-baba has fixed Markidu with the Sleeping Beauty curse. He will sleep for eternity unless he receives a kiss on the lips from a young prince."
"A kiss from a young prince!" Joegamesh exclaimed. "But there's no young princes around here! I'll be dragging him around forever!"
"Ahh yes, most difficult," Confucious-amesh said. Soon after that, the two men parted ways. Of course, there was one young prince in the fertile valley through which Joegamesh walked--Joegamesh himself. But kissing Markidu on the lips?!--that was out of the question! Nothing could be more disgusting! Just thinking about it made Joegamesh angry, the thought that such circumstances could be forced upon him, that he would ever have to--
And then, abruptly, in a sneak attack to get it over with quickly as possible, Joegamesh swung Markidu off of his shoulder and grabbed him by the ears and ... with eyes pressed tight together, he leaned in, puckered up, and ....
Markidu had been dreaming about watching a baseball game. The sun was shining, his Oakland A's were winning, everything was just perfect, when all of a sudden he woke to the harsh reality of a man's lips smooching his own.
"BLECHH!" Markidu yelled, clubbing Joegamesh in the jaw. For the first time in two months, Markidu was awake.
"Aww, isn't that sweet," said a rider on horseback who passed the duo at just that moment. "I love spirng, the time of year when men's fancy turns to love." Joegamesh wanted to killl the guy, but he was too busy defending himself from Markidu, who was acting as if he would have rather slept a while longer.
He stayed mad for a few days, but after a while, Markidu was glad to be far from home, while Joegamesh was glad not to have to carry Markidu anymore.

The Epic Of Joegamesh: Book III

Here is more of the story of Joegamesh and Markidu. I wrote this part.

The Epic of Joegamesh
Book III
Markidu's Dream and Joegamesh kickin' more trash

Markidu found himself in a beautiful field of wildflowers on the banks of the Euphrates. How he got there he knew not, but in the distance he could see his sweetheart Miss Dittmeruk, looking as radiant as ever. Tabtum and Markidu's eyes met and they both knew they belonged together. Their hearts leapt with joy as they carelessly skipped through the field of wildflowers, and met each other with a passionate embrace. Meanwhile Joegamesh had heard of Dalebaba coming to the city, and devouring people, he knew it was his job to kick the giant Chipmunk's tail back to the cedar forests from which it sprang. Slowly he crept to the house where Dalebaba was last seen. What he saw would terrify the most stalwart of hearts!! He saw not one, but two giant chipmunks They had a huge bronze pot of boiling water and one said to the other "I think the water is ready, let's throw him in. Scanning about Joegamesh saw the unconscious body of Markidu nearby!! He knew it was time to make his move. Stepping into the doorway Joegamesh said in a challenging tone "Could I have a piece of that". The chipmunks turned to glare at Joegamesh, one of them speaking "Joegamesh!!Even you aren't powerful enough to stop me!!", "You must be the infamous, Dalebaba and who, may I ask, is your little friend?" Joey replied. "This is Chipbaba, my twin brother, each of us are powerful on our own, but together we are unstoppable!!" the hideous rodent exclaimed. "We'll see about that", Joey retorted. Then the fight was on, even like unto Donkey Kong. The Chipmunks both lunged at Joegamesh, but he dodged the attack with an impressive double back flip. Dalebaba laughed diabolically, "Well done Joegamesh, but you will have to do much better than that". Then ChipBaba and DaleBaba both pulled out long bronze swords that each looked as big as Joegamesh himself. They swung at Joegamesh, he doodged with razorlike precision. Then as they swung to get at his legs he jumped up and kicked them both in the face. The two wicked rodents were knocked through walls at opposite sides of the house. Joegamesh approached Dalebaba, "It's over, get out of town!!", "Yeah it's over Dalebaba agreed, for your friend". Joegamesh turned around just as Chipbaba hurled Markidu toward the vat of boiling water. He jumped and caught Markidu in midair just inches from a hot watery grave. The pair collapsed on the floor. Joegamesh brushed himself off but noticed Markidu still unconscious. It was unlike his friend to be so hard to rouse. Perhaps they had drugged him or something, Joegamesh thought. Why would they do such a thing? He was about to force some answers from the chipmunks, but when he looked around they had vanished. All was quiet except the crackling of the fire and the bubbling water, and some incoherent mumblings from Markidu, something about a "jacuzzi"-whatever that was, and "Miss Dittmeruk". Joegamesh loved Markidu as his own soul, but sometimes thought the guy was a bit odd.

The Epic Of Joegamesh: Book II

Here Continues the Epic story of Joegamesh and Markidu. This part was written by Mark.
I should mention here that Mark and I began a pass-on story once about rabid squirrels that destroy our entire extended family. It was VERY loosely based on the true story of our family reunion at Yosemite. I only mention this because it is what Mark is referring to when Markidu and the sinister Chipmunk DaleBaba have a weird moment of Deja vu(though yes Dalebaba is a Chipmunk not a squirrel). Anyway here is the story:

The Epic of Joegamesh
Book II

--So on a hot sunny afternoon, Markidu waited on the outskirts of town for Joegamesh, who had explained earlier that he'd be ready to go after just one more make-out session. After having waited for an hour, Markidu shook his enormous head and walked reluctantly back into town where he was sure that the city's entire female population was congregated around his always-horny friend. As Markidu walked through the mostly deserted streets, with perhaps thoughts of his own lost love, Miss Dittmeruk, on his mind; his reverie was interrupted by a loud shrill screaming. Suddenly a grown man burst out of a nearby hut, which was a surprise to Markidu, since the screams sounded just like those of a woman. Annoyed at having been interrupted, Markidu strode up to the man, grabbed him by the shoulders, shook him, and slapped him. "Man, what's gotten into you!" Markidu persisted in slapping the man until he came to his senses, perhaps slapping him one time extra just for pleasure. Then the man said, "There's a chipmunk the size of you in my house, rummaging around." "Was anybody else in there?" "Not anymore," the man said, and was about to begin screaming again when Markidu slugged him, giving the poor man a chance to catch up on his sleep. Of course, Markidu had heard about Dalebaba, and had hoped to avoid him--or at least, to have Joegadesh with him during any encounter they might have. But now, he decided that it was fate that brought them together at this moment. He strode through the hut's open doorway and looked inside. The rodent was at the kitchen table; he was eating cashews out of a bowl. "Are you still hungry?" Markidu said in a challenging voice. "I'm not sure yet," said the chipmunk, his beedy eyes looking seemingly in all directions at once. "Why don't you have a seat, chat for a while." His head twitched; clearly he was rabid, but then, all chipmunks are. "How can you live with yourself when you know that disease has destroyed you?" Markidu asked. "All you do is spread disease to everyone you bite--you're a menace." "Ahh, but that's why I eat everything I bite now; no sense wasting," Dalebaba said. "Really it's a mercy; no sense infecting anyone else and letting them run around rabid; better to gobble them up whole." "Okay, I guess," Markidu conceded, as that really did seem sensible. "But then why eat everybody in a single bite. I mean, haven't you ever heard of eating a little bit at a time? A leg, a drumstick? Put the rest in a doggy-bag for later?" "That's an interesting point," the giant chipmunk conceded. "I eat nuts so slowly," and he popped one into his mouth as he said this, "But human beings. They just go down like ... more nuts." "Let me have some of those," Markidu said, salivating and Dalebaba graciously poured a handful into his hand. The chipmunk seemed friendly to Markidu, but something was bothering him. Suddenly it all came to him--like out of a past life! His entire family, everyone but he and Joegadesh, no one else spared! Out for an ordinary day of recreation, but in the end, hapless victims! All eaten by a rabid chipmunk! Markidu looked up, and Dalebaba's eyes sparkled with recognition. He knew! "You recognize me as the lost relative of that family you ate! In the California forest!" Markidu said. "I would," Dalebaba nodded, munching. "If that had happened. But did that ever happen? Think carefully. What do you remember of that incident." "Well," Markidu scratched his head. "It was so many years ago. It started out with the family walking up the trail, and then Meggin had a dream about
squirrels ..." "And that's it. That's all. All you have on me is the beginning of a story that was never written! It never happened! What makes you think that story ever ended the way you thought it was going to end when you never got finished telling it in the first place?" "What ... what do you mean," Markidu said, his brow furrowed with concentration. Story? What was Dalebaba talking about? "If that story had been told like you planned, then yes, it would have been me who ate your family. But that story never was told, so I couldn't have eaten your family, could I have?" Markidu nodded, pretending to understand. But his inner thoughts were now hopelessly confused, and he could only say, "Well, it's been nice talking to you." And that was the last thing he remembered when he lost his consciousness.

Joey--I pass it back to you in assumption that you will be the writer of book III

The Epic Of Joegamesh: Book I

Greetings internetgoers, It indeed has been many moons since I have posted anything on here. I don't have a new song translation for you guys, but I do have something you might find interesting. My cousin, Mark Dittmer, and I have a long tradition of telling pass-on stories. The latest one we have been wroking on is a work VERY loosely based on the Epic of Gilgamesh (I started the story this time and so I was able to choose the topic-hence its nerdy nature). Like most of our pass-on stories, however, the main characters are basically Mark(Markidu) and I(Joegamesh), and we perform all sorts of superhuman exploits. Or in other words like Sumerian praise poetry(check some out on the electronic text corpus of Sumerian literature: http://www-etcsl.orient.ox.ac.uk/ ) this story is basically like a self administerd ego-massage, but we try to do in a comical way, so hopefully some of that will shine through. I plan on posting each story segment or "Book" in its own little post. I will start with the first book written by me(I apologize for any and all grammatical and punctuation errors, I am sure there are many, but I'm too lazy to fix them):

Book I: The Coming of Markidu

In the City of Dittmeruk there lived a mighty king by the name of
Joegamesh. None could match him in battle and ferocity and his
breathtaking countenance was surely that of a god. In fact from his divine grandfather the god Alma August(this is kind of a pagan work-do you think making Grandpa a god is appropriate or no?) he was part divine. However, Joegamesh was a tyrant, he made a law in Dittmeruk that all chicks must make out with him(I cleaned up this story from the actual Epic of Gilgamesh-meaning that instead of sex I'm going with the more family friendly making out) whenever he desired or go to jail. The men also he made go to war for him to get him more money for him to put in his money bin, which Joegamesh liked to burrow through like a gopher and throw bits of gold and silver up(this was before coins) and let them fall on his head. The people were getting rather annoyed at all this, even the chicks were getting annoyed at making out with Joegamesh whenever he wanted, despite the fact that Joey was the studliest hunk that ever lived. They cried to the gods for relief. Mighty An(a big Mesopotamian deity) heard there cries and decided to make someone as big and bad as Joey to show Joey what was up. An pinched off clay and made a big bad dude with long hair like the god of cattle, then breathed in him the breath of life, and named him Markidu. Markidu was a wild man and lived in the woods with the animals. He could run as fast as the gazelles, and enjoyed playing and singing with the animals all the live long day. He lived off of wild grass and water from cool mountain streams. He would rescue animals caught in traps and keep hunters from catching their prey. When hunters saw him they were terrified of this fearsome looking wildman of the woods. Then one day one clever hunter named Bob(okay really his name was Marduk-apla-iddina, but the translator took some liberties with it)thought up a clever scheme. The hunter Bob thought, hmm what is it that all guys want, even long haired wild men of the woods, then he thought of it, Chicks!! Chicks was the answer. Bob just happened to know the lovely Miss Dittmeruk, the winner of the Miss Dittmeruk pageant, and she just happened to owe him for giving her the pageant entry fee of 1 mina of silver. So he was like, "there is this crazy guy in the forest that is ruining my hunting business, you need to make out with him so long and hard that his senses will be clouded and he won't even remember who he is. Then I will be able to actually catch something." So Miss Dittmeruk, whose actual name was Tabtum Suhartum(which means fine young lady in Akkadian). Got her sexiest outfit on,(and I tell you what that girl was tabtum[fine]!!!), and went to the wilderness where Markidu was last seen. Markidu saw her from afar and immediately his heart was conquered. He coyly crept in closer to get a better look. Then Tabtum pounced on him like a lion pounces on a wildebeast. Quickly administering a 30 second frencher on him. Markidu did not know what to make of this new experience at first, but about ten seconds into the kiss he decided he liked it. The world seemed to spin around him, he felt dizzy and nauseous, but yet he was enjoying himself. Afterwards he was weak in the knees and was somehow different. He could no longer keep up with the gazelles and the animals now all ran from him. So he decided to accompany Tabtum to Dittmeruk to enjoy the ancient Mesopotamian nightlife. Later, while Markidu and Tabtum boogied at the local disco, who should walk in but Joegamesh himself. He strutted in like a proud lion, king of all he surveyed. He glanced at Tabtum and imediately his heart was conquered. Joegamesh ordered her "hey you, lips here, now!!" as he used a finger to point to his own lips. Markidu would have none of that and immediately smacked Joegamesh with all his might. Joegamesh flew across the disco through the roof and landed half a block down the street. Joegamesh slowly righted himself shook and dusted himself off. Then he ripped out a 40 ft palm tree, and ran with his might back into the disco. Upon entering he quipped "batter up!", before swinging the palm tree right into Markidu. Now it was Markidu's turn to fly threw the roof. Joegamesh knocked Markidu so high that Markidu could see some weird guy riding an eagle(there is a Mesopotamian story with an eagle-riding guy), and the people all became smaller and smaller until they disappeared. Then he quickly fell and as as the wind roared passed his ears the people became larger and larger until he landed with a loud boom, creating a ten foot crater. He was 2 miles from the disco. After about five minutes he recovered and shook himself off only to see Joegamesh coming at him again at full speed. He met Joegamesh's speed and as they reached each other they both hit one another and knocked each other twenty feet back as they collided. The two were little phased by the run in and were soon at it again. Night and Day they fought for a whole week. After a week the two were exhausted, and began wondering why they were fighting in the first place. They couldn't help but admire the other for it was obvious to both of them that they were equal in strength and fighting skill. Markidu then spoke up," Hey fightining each other is getting us no where, let's make up and be friends", Joegamesh heartily agreed, and from that time forth they were the best of friends. They soon grew sick of life in Dittmeruk, however, and it wasn't long before they decided to take off and seek adventure elsewhere. They heard of a terrifying chipmunk named Dale-baba that had been menacing the city's inhabitants, eating people whole, and then stealing their nuts and eating them whole. It was said that after he came to eat people that he retreated to the cedar forests to the north. It was time for Joegamesh and Markidu to take action. The two armed themselves and took off. The people of Dittmeruk rejoiced, finally Joegamesh had something to do besides annoy them all the time.
End of Book I

The King has laid himself down(a tribute to Mr. Saggs)

Hello internetgoers,
I recently came across some distressing news, in fact here it is as I saw it:

Assyriologist who greatly influenced his students

Published: 26 December 2005

Henry William Frederick Saggs, Assyriologist: born 2 December 1920; Lecturer in Akkadian, School of Oriental and African Studies, London University 1953-62, Reader 1962-66; Professor of Semitic Languages, University College, Cardiff 1966-83 (Emeritus); married 1946 Joan Butterworth (four daughters); died Long Melford, Suffolk 31 August 2005.

H. W. F. Saggs was one of the great British Orientalists who were, in a sense, the product of the Second World War and the flourishing of Middle and Far Eastern Studies following the report of the 1945-46 Scarbrough Commission. He was to become one of the outstanding Assyriologists of his generation.

Article Length: 762 words (approx.)

Okay it is true that I didn't know Mr. Saggs personally, but I have read a number of his books including: Babylonians, The Might that was Assyria, and Civilization before Greece and Rome. In fact, I think it is fair to say that he more than anyone else is the person who got me interested in ancient Mesopotamia. Reading his book Babylonians on a family road trip as the sun rose glistening on the dew that covered Nebraska was a sublime experience for me. Saggs writing style always kept me eager to read on and learn more about the fascinating civilizations of Mesopotamia, and the near east. His expertise in the field clearly shines through in all he writes. His death is a great loss to the field of Assyriology and in my view, the world. I am honored that I have the same birthday as him. He may seem just like some obscure professor to most people, but to me he was someone who opened my eyes to a greater world. Although the man has died I'm sure his works will live on. As it says at the end of the Epic of Gilgamesh after Gilgamesh dies, the author tells the reader to examine his works, namely the walls of Uruk, "are they not of burnt brick and good". So I say to the reader of this at the death of Dr. Saggs, a Gilgamesh in his own right, examine his works, are they not also "of burnt brick and good" or in this case we will just say "good". Yes, this mighty king of Assyriology has joined Gilgamesh and Enkidu in the land of the shades, and like them deserves to be counted among the heroes of ancient Mesopotamia.